Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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