I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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