Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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