You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
4 words: hood of his car
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
