At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
