It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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