yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
