Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You're like the curious george of whores
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize