She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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