fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
