I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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