I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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