You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
