I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
