Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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