so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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