If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's always time for handjobs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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