Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual