Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The ass gains better be worth it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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