There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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