i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
50% drunk capacity currently
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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