dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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