not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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