i'm signing you up for texting rehab
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
