I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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