We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
