I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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