So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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