i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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