She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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