Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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