i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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