Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
