Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
