Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
sarcasm needs its own font
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
