I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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