I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
