Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
