She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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