What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
