It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
