Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
