I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sext me about skeletons
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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