And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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