how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I cut my penus on the lid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
