I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
