Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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