You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
