look no pants
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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