I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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