i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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