He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
