fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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