yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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