Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
