I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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