She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
