Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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