You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
