how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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