I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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