today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
