He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Is it penis luge time yet?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
